I don't know if this post will find anybody who will ever need it. Be that as it may, I have to get somethin' off my chest. I'm a young man tryin' to be like Jesus and man it's very hard. In my life long quest to be like Christ everyday one of the most trying principles to practice is Patience. 2008 has been a very trying year for me. I mean I graduated from school a year ago and when I graduated everybody expected me to be this Wall Street phenom and I thought that was the way things would go myself. I am very intelligent, articulate and passionate. I'm annointed to do great things but somewhere along the line I got caught up in my gift. I lost sight of Christ and did what I wanted to do. I made some bad decsions and thought I could make a fortune through my own business. But that was not God's timing and will, so of course it failed. And now I'm at the bottom-I've been humbled. And at times I feel bad. I look at my other peers and it seems like they are doing way way better then me and if I think about it for too long I'll get depressed. I feel like my blessings and the life I dreamed of living is manifesting at a slug's pace and it can be frustrating. I ask God, "why is this happening to me?", "I made bad decisions but my intentions were to bring You glory, so why have I failed and why am I here?" In this time, the ironic thing is that there is stronger connection to the Bible, it's like I can see my life being played out in the historical records. I feel like I'm living in the book of Exodus. I'm on my way to Canaan. I've been given purpose which is the key to being loosed of the life of drudgrey and monotony, and purpose only comes from a relationship with Christ that is built up over time. Now I'm just walking toward a vision my eyes can not see, Canaan is seen but nowhere in sight. At times I'm walking with no compass just by faith. The experience is nerve wrecking, there are some dark nights in which the dream of Canaan just doesn't seem tangible. During my journey, there are times when I can't see which way I'm going and I just have to sit still and wait for the quiet voice of Jesus to lead me. However, I make mistakes. I panic in the night, get discouraged and venture off in the dark aimlessly-running scared. But God will never leave nor forsake me and when I run off he's running right beside me, saying T.J. "I'm not going to give up on you, I know how you feel, it's okay, you are my son, and you are good works, you are my son in which whom I've invested a lot in and you will not disappoint me". I don't know why he says that because I get so mad at myself when I mess up and I get down man I mean really down on myself. But I thank Jesus for a relationship!! Relationships have their ups and downs even with Christ. I don't agree with everything God says and sadly to say there are times when I'm not obedient and God forgive me for those times because I really really want to be like You, cover me with you mercy Lord and help me to grow up!! But in the end I submit to God's will because I love Him and I want to love Him and trust Him more. God has written the story of my life and right now I am 23 and this is the part of my life in which I like to entitle " the launching pad". I'm a rocket preparing to take flight into heavenly realms I never knew were possible but I have to sit at the base for a while. Right now, I'm on the bottom and everyone seems to be soaring past me but my story isn't at it's end it's just beginning.
My name is Terrence J Jr and I will become everything that God has called me to be, I will not quit or give in- I will slip and I will fall but I will break through. But one thing I do forgetting what is behind and striving toward what is ahead I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called heavenward in Christ Jesus. I maybe down but I am not out, for I am strong, and I am a master at long suffering. For great people must have great sufferings, for the suffering is mandatory for the sake of Jesus Christ. I am not perfect but I willingly give my life to Jesus Christ and I willingly step in the fire for the name of Jesus Christ. Jesus hear my prayer, I am the definition of imperfection, at times I slip up and smoke and do all kinds of other stuff. But I am STRIVING, similar to a player on the football field, I put all effort into gaining ground and I only get one yard a head. Other times because of my mistakes I am penalized and have to go back a couple of yards. However Jesus don't ever give up on my because after every down I'm going to get back up and fight for every yard and I won't stop untill I get to the goal. Lord I just want to live according to your plan and your will on your timing. This is not an easy feat but greater is He that is in me then he that is in the world. Jesus see me fight, hear my cry. I am your son and I will fight for your name's sake. I love you Lord and I hope I make you proud in the end, all I want is for you to say "T.J you did Good, son" and then I just want to hug you and cry for days on end, I just want to hug you and cry for days Jesus. I feel like I am a big disappointment at times and I feel like I've never lived up to others expectations for my life. Jesus help me to not disappoint You, I just can't not be who you've called me to be, I have to make you proud. I will make you proud for that is my life's goal. I love you Jesus and thank you for believing in me.
I will not let you down
Your son
T.J
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