I want to give an account of something that happened today. It was a scene that I like to call a beautiful suffering. Today I was driving to work from church, speeding through the highways because I was very late. While driving to work my mind was just stuck on the lessons that were taught during the morning sermon. The lesson was about Heaven and what it would be like when we were called into the place that God has prepared for those who love Him. My mind was on a particular segment of the message on Heaven, which dealt with giving an account for our actions. Meaning, when we die we will have to stand before God and we will be held accountable for our actions. Well, I began to wonder about the things God would question me about if I were to die or when I do die. These thoughts lead to a self-condemning attitude. Unfortunately, I have been neglected my whole life, I've been the punching bag for my parents and they've completley destroyed my self-esteem and broken my sense of "security" within myself through negative, demoralizing and degrading insults. So after knowing Jesus for close to nine years now, and I mean I realliy know Jesus intimately, I found out that I was unconsciously, unknowingly, treating Jesus like the people who had betrayed me my whole life. I began to talk to Jesus on my way to work and the tears and anger that poured from my mouth I could not control. To paraphrase as best I can I said: "Jesus, I'm sorry for all the mistakes I've made, I'm really tryin' to live like You, but I just keep messin' up. I don't want to but I do, I'm sorry God I really am...." then out of nowhere years of buried rage, hurt, pain and unforgiveness began to resurface and mind you these are feelings I was completely unaware of:...."JESUS, I'M SCARED, I'M SCARED, I'M SCARED YOUR GONNA TREAT ME LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, I'M SCARED YOU'LL LEAVE ME, SO I'M BEGGIN' YOU GOD, JUST CUT ME SOME SLACK, BECAUSE I'M TRYIN' I'M TRYIN I'M TRYINNNNNN GOD I'M TRYIIINNNNN SO JJJJUSSSTT CCUUUTT ME SSOOOMMEE SLACCKKK, I SWEAR IIFFF YOU CAN'T SEE THAT II'MMM TRYIN.......IIIII''MMMM SSSCCAARREED I'LL DISAPPOINT YOU BECAUSE I'VE BEEN A DISAPPOINTMENT TO EVERYBODY MY WHOLE LIFE SO JUST GIVE ME CREDIT FOR TRYING BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT, BUT I'M TRYING SO HARD AND I JUST KEEP MESSIN UP, I'M SCARED OF BEING A FAILURE JESUS BECAUSE I'VE BEEN ONE MY WHOLE LIFE, BUT I'M TRYIN' TO BE LIKE, YOU GOTTA SEE THAT, CUT ME SOME SLACK.....DON'T BETRAY JESUS, YOUR MY ONLY HOPE FOR LIVING, YOUR MY LAST CHANCE TO GET IT RIGHT BECAUSE I'VE FAILED AND DISAPPOINTED EVERYONE ELSE, SO I DON'T WANT TO MESS UP AND DISAPPOINT YOU AND IF YOU BETRAY ME I SWEAR I'LL NEVER WORSHIP YOU ANOTHA DAY OF MY LIFE....DON'T BETRAY ME"...........this type of screaming and pouring out when on for like an hour or forty minutes. Man it was crazy, I was releasing emotions that I had been buried for years, and over the years I'd forgotten I'd buried them, however these buried emotions were subconsciously controlling me. I was in a relationship with a very beautiful young lady and I didn't know how to love her. I didn't know how to be there emotionally for her because my buried pain and heart kept me from relating and serving her needs. In other words, I was unable to attend to her needs and aid in her being healed of her pain because mine was deep. Meanwhile, I was doing all I knew to be there for her but I couldn't. That's scary. Being controlled by emotions and pain that go undetected. Well, glory be to God that He is cleaning out my closet and healing and loosing my of this buried pain that is holding me hostage. Today's ride to work was life altering, man I tell you the pain in the screaming was just so ugly, so deep and yet so beautiful. Beautiful in the sense of it's honesty, passion and love. I said what I said out of love because I love Jesus and I don't want Him to be dissappointed in me, I can't live with God thinking of me as a disappointment or failure. I must die EMPTY, I need Jesus to say "you passed T.J", I can't live one day in my life not moving toward Jesus, I need to know Him more and more. Jesus, knowing this is moving the hurt and pain which is holding me from a deeper intimate relationship with Him. The most fulfilling thing of today, is that after the screaming was over there was a deep calm a deep deep calm from within. It was as if God stimulated a storm of emotion and pain to be resurfaced and released from me and then afterwards He said "peace be still son". All day I was calm in my soul, there was a peace and harmony on the inside. This message is for anyone with pain and deep hurt in their life, if you have hatred in resentment in your heart seek God for release. Jesus is the only way to free of hate, maybe someone raped you, someone betrayed you, someone stole your trust or someone you loved stabbed you in the back; the only way to live is to allow God to mend your broken hearts and free you of the pain. I still have a ways to Go but the process of being free of the pain, and my process of having my brokenheart mended is truly liberating, there is a peace and release I didnt know existed. It's like I'm breathing for the first time of my life. A deep refreshing. Thank you Jesus.
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